Jane is in her mid to late twenties, educated, career oriented, driven in both personal and professional endeavors, independent and humble. She’s a good friend to those she cares about, values family and believes in making a difference in her community. She’s attractive – keeping herself personally fashionable without being necessarily ‘high maintenance’. In relationships she can be simultaneously firm and tender, demanding and forgiving, faithful and spontaneous. By most accounts, she’s a catch – despite this, she’s single, both by choice and by circumstance. Frustrated by an inability to reconcile how wonderful she knows she is against the fact that she’s single and unwilling to endure the self-depreciating cycle of settling, in our most recent conversation she renounced relationships in full saying simply – “I’m done”, while wondering aloud “who is Mr. Right – does he really exist – and what do I need to do to find him”?
How many of you out there feel like Jane? How many of you feel like you have so much to offer someone in a relationship but have yet to find one deserving of your love? How many of you have thought you’d found someone only to realize that they were only a projection – hopelessly void of anything deeper than the image of what you desired. This weeks post will hopefully spark a discussion on the internal work and steps you can take to put yourself in the best place possible to create a great relationship.
My advice – before you even think about starting a relationship, work on yourself. So let’s start with a couple of things you can work on that will pay dividends down the line.
1. Be Happy – I touched on this before in “Letting Go”. The first step toward having a great relationship is finding happiness – alone. Being happy isn’t just about the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and see that it’s sunny outside, happiness is being truly content with your life and the direction it’s going. It’s important to find this happiness before entering a relationship because, often times, if you’re not happy before the relationship, you’ll look to the relationship as a cure for that unhappiness. That’s too much pressure on the other person and on the relationship.
2. Let go of the long time flings, friends with benefits, lovers, or whatever else you want to call them. Those semi-relationships are repellants to new love and to happiness. They keep you stuck in the same circumstance, discourage new thoughts and ideas, and most of all, they keep you blinded from the potential beauty of everything else around you. Should you carry these past loves into your new relationship, the mish-moshing of feelings will reek havoc on you and your new partner’s situation. Do yourself a favor, lose that number, forget that email address and de-friend them on Myspace and The Facebook.
3. Find something to do with your free time – One of the worst things you can do, as a single person, is be idle. It’s during this idle time that you find yourself texting someone you shouldn’t be texting, emailing someone you shouldn’t be emailing or calling someone whose number you should have deleted. It’s also during idle time that one tends to desire companionship the most – you begin to feel like you’re idle because you don’t have someone – when really, you’re idle because you’re not doing anything. Remember that hobby you always said you were going to take up – sewing, or maybe it was photography, maybe a blog (ahem), spinning, Yoga, Tae-Bo, spelunking – whatever it is – now’s the time to dive into it. Not only will you find yourself thinking less and less about being alone, but you’ll also become a more well-rounded person.
4. Make time to serve someone else – You’d be amazed at how quickly you forget about whatever’s going on (or not going on in your life) when you take the time to care about someone else’s needs. So whether you decided to join Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or whether you volunteer with your church or at a women’s shelter – whatever it is, it’ll go a long way in reminding you of how blessed and fortunate you are as there’s always someone who has it a little worse.
Those 4 things will get you started. It’s important to make those things indelible characteristics of your everyday life. They may seem unrelated to finding “Mr. Right”, but from what I’ve experienced, it’s not so much about finding “Mr. Right” as much as it’s about putting yourself in a place – personally – to create the right relationship.
Once you’ve incorporated these sorts of principles into your everyday life, it’s time to sit down and think about what you want in a relationship. This is one of the most common steps we miss in our quests for love. We forget to think about what having a great relationship means to us. We think in abstract and emotional terms without ever really sitting down and writing out what those emotions look like in action. Take some time and do this, write down whatever comes to mind whenever you think about a great relationship. Once you know what you want, it will be much easier to recognize it when you find it; likewise, knowing it will also make it much easier for you to recognize what you don’t want when it comes around.
Here’ s where it gets a little tough. You’ve worked on yourself for a while – you’re feeling pretty happy about your life having let go of that old baggage, picked up a couple hobbies, fed the homeless for a while and taken the time to figure out what kind of relationship you’re looking for. Now you have to find that relationship… where to begin? My advice, just do what you’ve been doing. Go to work Monday through Friday – if you feel like going out with the girls on Friday night… do it, if you don’t, stay home and enjoy the time you have with your favorite person in the world (yourself). Don’t stay in on a Friday night to avoid “looking for love”, but, by the same token, to go out every Friday looking like the girl who’s looking for love. Just enjoy yourself.
When you meet someone, follow your gut instincts. If there’s something there, explore it, but do so cautiously, and 100% aware, at all times, of what you decided you’re looking for. If it’s clear that you two are looking for different things – move on. Don’t stick around waiting to see if they’ll have a change of heart – remember how wonderful you are and how content you are with your life and realize that you can’t expect different results doing the same thing over and over. Take your time this time. You’ll spend some nights ‘jonesing’, and some nights lonely, some nights you’ll be sad and some nights you’ll be really sad. But in the end, with the proper preparation, and the proper patience, you’ll find yourself smack in the middle of the best relationship you’ve ever experienced. It is at that point that you’ll realize – finding “Mr. Right” isn’t about seeing dozens and dozens of people searching for the right one, it’s about creating a situation in your life, where the right one, is the only one you see.
What do you guys think? How many of you have experienced or are experiencing something similar to what Jane experienced? How are you handling it? And what about causes? Why does there seem to be such a disparity between what men want and what women want?
Lastly, if you enjoy the blog, please subscribe and please leave comments or feedback - or, if you feel so inclined, send me a question or topic to write about – you can email me at jermaine@thatblackgirlsite.com
- later!
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July 1st, 2008 at 12:56 pm
OMG! Points 1-4 are right on the money! I must admit…I am too looking to let go of all negative influences, old baggage, and past experiences…but truefully, it’s not as easy as it reads. What could be most challenging and ladies, correct me if I’m wrong, but I would say Point #3. Keeping yourself idle is DANGER ZONE! Not being kept occupied only hinders you from moving forward. Think about it…when being kept busy, points #1, 2, and 4 becomes effortless. You’re keeping yourself happy by doing the things you love; your mind allows you to forget past nonsence and/or experiences which has you thinking positively, and most of all…you start to look outside your buble and become involved with activities…and before you know it…what you’re looking for is right under your nose…I’m on the journey myself and it is one hell of a ride…however…the best time of my life…I’m learning me…
July 1st, 2008 at 11:22 pm
“It is at that point that you’ll realize – finding “Mr. Right” isn’t about seeing dozens and dozens of people searching for the right one, it’s about creating a situation in your life, where the right one, is the only one you see.”
Even after four years this is truth still sobering to me.
Can’t wait to hear your take on the next phase(s)…
July 1st, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Miss “Jane” seems to have everything together, looks, career and personality. I have a lot of friends in this same situation of having “everything” and still single. Here’s the advice that I give to them:
1)No one can love you or make you happy better than you. Finding “Mr. Right” is not to fulfill all the voids that are missing in your life or to so called make you “complete”. Your “Mr. Right” should be someone to add on to your happiness as well as you should add on to theirs. This person should be a compliment not a supplement.
2)You can’t go out looking for love. You’ll find love when you least expect it and most of the time it’s when you’re not looking.
3)Re-evaluate what you want in “Mr. Right” but don’t lower your standards. You should realize that “Mr. Right” cannot be perfect. He may snore, chew like a cow or may have bad credit but you are not perfect either therefore you can’t expect him to perfect. Don’t be too picky but don’t settle for less either. Find a happy medium.
4)Don’t put a deadline on your life. You don’t have to get married by a certain age, with the white picket fence, two kids and a dog. Enjoy yourself while you can and everything will fall into place.
July 5th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Whereas I do completely agree with everything written, I do tire of the suggestion that those who are single need to constantly self examine our singlehood. How about celebrating singlehood? There are benefits to both being in a relationship and out of a relationship. Some of this reads as to what to do when you’re “waiting” for the partner AND are LONELY.
Being single doesn’t mean you’re lonely. Do yoga so you won’t think about being alone? Do yoga because its good for your body and your spirit! Enjoy live because its there to be enjoyed, single or not.
Maybe this was for the lonely single women. I want women to embrace who they are AS a single women because it makes being in a relationship that much better.
July 10th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
I was like Jane… when I was 21, then I grew out of it. Not that I’m that far off from it now. I’m only 24, but after my last relationship ended, I decided it wasn’t the end of the world. I just made up in my mind that if I didn’t have it (it being anything: a new car, a man, a pedicure, a spa day, a vacation to Australia, a house) then I probably didn’t need it. And, shocker, I was right! Sure, there were some cold and lonely, tearful nights, but all in all, I’ve become so much more secure in who I am; gotten closer with my parents and family; learned how to cook; taken time to work on my health and wellness. I’m in my second year of graduate school. And I’ve learned to enjoy time with myself, by myself.
I have always felt that if women, particularly Black women, focused their energies on something other than being lonely, alone, single and mad about it, we could very well change the world. We’re powerful people! It’s a little disappointing that even in our accomplishments, we feel incomplete without men. We’re whole, wonderful, beautiful people who could probably stand to get along better with ourselves before being all attached at the hip to a guy.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
July 22, 2008
After reading the article and all the comments I see myself as Jane and some of the other sisters. I’m 51 years old, I have one daughter (1 grandson) but never married, although it’s my hearts desire to be in a relationship I realize that looking for “MR. Right” is not the way, I should be content with who God says is “right” for me. I believe that relationships fail because we entertainment then for the wrong reasons. We stay with partners because we don’t want to show up alone or become the third party. I learned over the years to enjoy me, have fun with me, spend time with me, get to know me and most of all love me. Once I was bitter, angry and disappointed, I had dinner many night with loneliness and took depression to bed with me every night. I still have my low periods however today I’m better than I was on yesterday knowing that God has kept me another day and that I have peace of mind.
God Bless!!!!!
July 31st, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I must agree with the author. I have experienced depression, loneliness, bitterness, guilt, shame, and the list goes on just because I am (was) alone. I am trying my best everyday to get past all of these negative feelings and to embrace myself as a whole complete woman. I must say some days are better than others but I must convince myself that nothing is wrong with me because I haven’t been chosen by a man to be his wife. I also know that I can’t keep making foolish mistakes in relationships. I guess it all boils down to enjoying who you are and loving life because you only have one life to live. However, like one writer stated it is easier said than done.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:59 am
This blog post is golden. Essentially what singles miss out on is the upside of our relationship status. I appreciate this time with self and count it a privilege to be able to devote time to God and myself, establishing a great foundation to receive Mr. Right. In past experiences I’ve tried to create opportunities to be found by him, only to be disappointed by the mediocre attempts of men who want to “holla @ a shawty” rather than dialogue with a young intellect. Though I’ve experienced the tears, heartache, and loneliness of unsettled singlehood, I’m now at a place where I can appreciate where I am. Your post just reinforeced that I’m in the right direction.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I find it funny that a guy wrote this post.
I am happily married however my cousin is pretty much this girl you talked about.
MBA, well rounded female however she cannot find her prince.
Speaking as a woman, I think some woman raise the bar too high that most brothers cannot reach it and she do not give them a chance.
Bottomline, know what you want before demanding the red carpet from everyone else.
Know thyself!
September 17th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I think I’m going to print this out and read it everyday! Seriously! Especially since I’m going through the same thing and actually just wrote an entry about deciding to hate men because I can’t find the right one. This is great!
September 21st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I thought this was an insightful piece, even though I have heard some of it before. A relationship cannot complete you. No matter how successful you are in you career;it seem others question you success if you do not have a husband/man and children. A whole lot of married folks are not happy. It alway seems green on the other side!!!
Enjoy your singlesness!
October 12th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Your advice is a pretty good start for young women in their 20s. By the time you get to your 30s, 40s and beyond you should aleady have those bases covered. Then what? My advice… get a life coach. Sometimes we all need a good kick in the pants and some personal attention on how to get it together. I have a personal recommendation for a very good and insightful one if anyone needs one; that applies to both the men and the women.
December 20th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I agree with most of these point. Usually articles like this give horrible advice that don’t address the real issues. Women are given alot of bad information about relationships at times, they are told to have unreal expectations and to use superficial checklists which do more harm than good.
December 28th, 2008 at 1:24 am
This Blog is amazing!!! I’m only 19 and I have never been in a relationship long or short and I truly believe that I am a great catch and well rounded. My close friends who are all in happy relationships tell me that my standards are too high but I feel that as an African American female I shouldn’t have to settle for the typical “thug” that aspires to be a rapper/ star athlete…I am aware of the fact that I am still young but I feel those lonely nights on a regular basis I have honestly began to give up hope. I will however try working on myself once again and stop “looking” for love and we’ll see where it takes me.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:03 am
Most people who are single are losers and probably will be single for a long time. I have the answer for this “suicide”. Maybe a little pill cocktail? Try a little slice slice acrost the wrists? Most “normal” people dont have to live being single so I think you know what you have to do.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:06 am
Oh and this is for ms independant, you will probably have to remain independant because you probably resemble a horse and no man will want you. The reason why you should settle for the “thug” type is because thats the only way ur gonna get anything. You are probably unattractive to everyone or everything for that matter and nobody wants to have relations with you. You are a discrace to black women everywhere. Suicide is the best way out.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
The reason I’ll probably never re-marry is hidden in the text of the post about Erroll Garner http://www.thatblackgirlsite.com/thatblackgirlblogs/erroll-garner-1921-1977-a-natural-ear-for-music#comment-1013
There are too many deep intimacies I haven’t been able share with the women that had romantic relationships with, that are always eclipsed by platonic relationships.
I won’t cheat (physically) and I won’t compromise (emotionally), so at some point I just move on.
I believe everyone has the right to have their needs attended to and when one person has to demand that another go unfulfilled in order to feel secure, that is not an expression of love that is beneficial to individuals or our greater whole.
I’ve always believed, who one wakes up with is far more important than who one goes to bed with.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
To: The Truth
What you’ve said doesn’t read as very truthful or thoughtful.
To everyone else
Let’s be honest, if you’re greatest passions have dollar signs attached, what you earn, what you buy, you’re not really interested in a relationship with a person. Regardless to the fact that you may demand a committed monogamous relationship to feel emotionally and sexually secure.
Everything is about what you express, look at and listen to yourself carefully and ask what does that mean to someone else.
January 3rd, 2009 at 2:23 am
I am an African American women. What I have realized is that the “real” reason that I am single is that I never really wanted a black man. In my mind, I thought I did but it is true when I examine my actions towards the ones that I dated, I never really felt the admiration or respect for them. Only one black man do I still think well about. That was the one who expressed he was surprise he was with me becuase he usually only likes light skinned blacks with good hair. I was young and not even thinking about marriage, but time went on and those words hurt inside. Once, I got over the hurt. I helped him out, I introduced him to my biracial girlfriend, that fit his description. It didn’t last a week. My feelings were never the same for him. The other black men, I thought I liked but as I sit and think. Maybe, the truth is black men didn’t leave us we left them emotionally years ago. So, as yourself. What is it that you really want…without thinking of a physical description and than be opened to that type of man. You may be surprise. Also, singlehood can be a good thing. We have the option to chose singlehood. Heal and love ourselve be that with a man or single. All that looks good is not really so great afterall.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:44 am
Too many Black women are still single, because they don’t know how to date.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I am a 37year old attractive black woman. I used to wonder why I was still single and all of my friends are either in relationships or married. I constantly pray for God to send me a mate. At times, it felt like he was ignoring me. I had to evaluate whether or not I was being proactive in my quest to find true love. I re-evaluated my requirements. I decreased my list from about 20 characteristics to about 6. I took away all the superficial requirements and replaced them with substantial ones. I am glad to report that God has sent me a nice and trustworthy man into my life. I’m taking this relationship one day at a time. In due time, God will bless our union in matrimony. Keep the faith sistas and never settle for less than God’s best for you!
January 24th, 2009 at 3:10 am
@ The truth:
Wow. I really think you’ve written the dumbest thing I’ve ever read in my entire life. Perhaps you should take your own advice.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
The reality is that a lot of our Black men are incarcerated, so all of the soul searching in the world will not combat this 10 women to 1 man ratio! You are steering Black women in the wrong direction…some Black women are just going to be single…plain and simple…nothing has to be wrong, unless she considers dating outside of her race. Stop the meme please!
February 25th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
I get it; however i’m 44 and have not been asked out on a date in 15 years. I’m a Chiristian so the bar scene is out, mostly married or really old men at me church. Oh yeah one guy asked for my number. Called him, conversation was nice, we had some things in common. Then he declared he was a freak and hung up the phone, because I don’t roll like that. I do fear God. Where do you meet these men? Not at the market, home depot or the grocery store. Do I have to have my blouse cut down to my navel and my skirt up slit up the middle? I don’t think i’m dog ugly. My friends girls say i’m cute. Men never say that to me. All my friends are women. My Pastor says God will raise up friends for me. I would like male friends first. Sometimes you want the strong arms of a man around you. No i don’t mean sex. Just to feel secure. Later for the relationship thing. I wonder is it my appearance. I am overweight women. I need to loose 130lbs. So am I doomed to be single until the weight is off? I want to go out to diner and a movie, and not with a girl. Anyone feel my pain???
February 27th, 2009 at 1:24 am
The road to marriage is one of self-discovery. I have been married now for 7 years and I know that I’m in the right place. I’ve been through the club scene, I was in a long term relationship before I met my husband, and I have been single too.
When I was single, I did a lot of things alone. I really enjoyed myself! I would go on trips to other cities and go to public places, meet people and just chat. Other times I would drive down to the beach and just walk alone and admire the beauty. But I was always careful. I also learned how to stay at home and take up hobbies.
When I dated, I knew that every man I dated was not potential husband material for me. Whatever happened to having fun? Why must every man that you meet have to fill all of your “qualifications” before you even go on one date? There were some men that I dated who were good men, just not the man for me. My first date with my husband, I did not expect to have a second date, but by the end of the date, I was more than just a little interested.
In addition, women should not confuse stability with wealth. If you choose your mate based on his bank account, you may find that he is lacking in other areas. The same applies to men who are looking for that perfect apple bottom. LOL I have found stability with someone and we have grown and accomplished a lot together. We did not come into each other’s lives with great wealth, but together we have grown spiritually, managed to buy a house, 3 cars and have our first child!
I don’t attribute my marriage to knowing what I was doing or seeking Mr. Right, just keep an open mind and realize that none of us are perfect.
March 21st, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Thank you!! That’s all I can say…….THANK YOU!
April 6th, 2009 at 12:19 am
I’m 28, and I NEVER had love or a boyfriend. I’m not a ugly girl, I really am not, I keep my body in shape, and I’m going back to school to get my associate degree. I have a wonderful spirit, mind and soul, but no man will take me serious at all! When I say I never had a boyfriend, I’m not lying! I tried, but every man that sees me just wants sex, why, I ask my self that same question! I’m not that type of girl that puts all her goodies out there for every man to see! I just want love soooo bad, and I pray, wish and hope everyday that GOD will bless me, but it never happens! I don’t know how long I can go on before I break down! As some people say, don’t look for love it will find you! I tried that, but being alone for all these yrs, that quote doesn’t work for me. I just want love already, and I think it’s my turn! The women on this board have found love maybe once or twice, or had a boyfriend, I’m not in those boats at all! I need help! I cry a lot because it’s hard going out with your non single friends and watching them and there boyfriends, while I’m the 3rd wheel! I just want to know why men don’t take me seriously? It has to be time for me now! I am not trying to put a date on love and when I’m going to get it, but I surely want to know what it feels like! It’s hard to love myself when I can’t be taken seriously by any man out there. I looked for and wide, and nothing. It makes me wonder, am I going to be alone for ever????
April 8th, 2009 at 2:52 am
Sometimes I feel very lonely and sad because I do not have close friends and I am not very close to my family members. I often cry. I wonder if I will ever meet someone. I was divorced ten years ago and I have had a few boyfriends since then but these days I spend a lot of my time alone. I am isolated at work and at home. I am desperate to be in a warm and loving relationship but I think I give off a cold vibe. I am quite chilly and aloof, without really meaning to be. I feel very vulnerable and neglected. I might follow some of the advice so that my situation can change.
July 5th, 2009 at 1:38 am
I feel the same way a lot of these women feel… I am 23, no children, educated, hard working, fun, attractive yet ALWAYS ALONE!
July 5th, 2009 at 1:45 am
I get so tired of being the 3rd wheel or seeing all of my friends happy in their relationship, and I am alone. I have to hear about all the Romantic things their man did, how he spent this much, loves them so much, etc, etc. They are always kissing, holding hands and happy and I am still always alone! I am a giving sweet person. I am NOT conceited, snobby, stuck-up, cheap, ugly, too fat/skinny, dumb, or arrogant. I feel like its my turn and yet, I still spend every holiday alone. I get tired of crying and my prayers being ignored, its wwaaayyyyyy past my time to at least get a sweet boyfriend if I can’t get a husband. Its NOT fair, and I wish something would change…. I saw my self married by 26. Now, I’m just the lonely woman who everybody says, “I’m suprised nobody’s snatched you uo yet” to…. And this SUCKS!
July 7th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I’m 28 year old man and have always been single. I am good-looking and have a nice personality. I always tend to find myself alone all the time. Practically all of my friends are married and/or either dating engaged. I always feel like I’m the last person on earth. Yet i still pray to God for contentment and I know that God has that women for me.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
For all the single ladies why are u waiting ? Go out there and seek the man you want. Instead just sitting there and waiting, take your destiny into your own hands.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:30 am
On the money! I’m definitely Jane. Sometimes I feel great. Other times I think about being single and it even bothers me sometimes. I feel like, I’m always the single one. At times I enjoy it, but latley I have been lonely in thaqt department. I have a loving family and friends, but not that significant other. As I get older a loving companion is somthing that I look forward to, but sometimes the outlook seems bleak. I’m optimistic and I have faith. But sometimes I get a little sad about not being in a relationship. I think about getting married and starting a family of my own one day and when that will become a reality. This blog definitely had good information.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:48 am
yeah,i feel janes problem cos i am goin tru the same problem too,i just cant seem to find the rigth man for me,cos any man i really like or he likes me turns out to have a relationship.this blog had agood information.
October 7th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Black women always rely on God, but I ask you what has he done for you. If you were white or asian or hispanic this article would not even exist.
November 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Black women need to learn how to go get it. We’ve been taught to sit back and if we are good and nice people then magically a good man will appear in front of us. That’s crazy.
By the time you’re in your mid-twenties you should know what type of man you are attracted to and what you are looking for on some level, chop, chop to go find it. Where does that man hang out and why aren’t you hanging out there is the question? They’re not all at church either. They hang out at sports games, sports bars sometimes, they listen to Hip Hop and got to Hip Hop shows, they generally work in hands on fields, they are Tech Ops, IT (have you ever made it down to that department in your office?).
I think Black women have to be pushed out of their comfort zone and stop believing that all they need to do is learn how to be happy. Sometimes you need to learn how to be okay with being uncomfortable and out of your element and to do things that feel counterintiutive. Otherwise you’ll find yourself still looking and waiting at 40.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I just wanted to add that I am a 28 year old very attractive intelligent, warm woman and have been single for about 4 years now. I agree with this article however, it misses the point that many of our black men are incarcerated, unemployed, or prefer NOT to date black women. Its sad but a statistical fact. And it was posted before that there is a 10 to 1 ratio of black women to black men in our country. So with that said, I have learned to just love myself and be PRO-Active in my search for love and not sit and wait for the good Lord to bring me a good man-or limit myself to black men-they sure don’t limit themselves to just black women now do they? Women lets use that wonderful gift of Free Will that God gave us and get out there and mix and mingle. Being single does not have to be a tragic circumstance. Tell your friends that you are looking to date, join a volunteer organization, join a dating site, go to bookstores, cafe, poetry lounges, hangout at a gym, shop late at nite at the grocery store since many single men shop late at night. But most importantly be happy with who you are first and that will exude when you do get out there.