Jane is in her mid to late twenties, educated, career oriented, driven in both personal and professional endeavors, independent and humble. She’s a good friend to those she cares about, values family and believes in making a difference in her community. She’s attractive - keeping herself personally fashionable without being necessarily ‘high maintenance’. In relationships she can be simultaneously firm and tender, demanding and forgiving, faithful and spontaneous. By most accounts, she’s a catch - despite this, she’s single, both by choice and by circumstance. Frustrated by an inability to reconcile how wonderful she knows she is against the fact that she’s single and unwilling to endure the self-depreciating cycle of settling, in our most recent conversation she renounced relationships in full saying simply - “I’m done”, while wondering aloud “who is Mr. Right - does he really exist - and what do I need to do to find him”?
How many of you out there feel like Jane? How many of you feel like you have so much to offer someone in a relationship but have yet to find one deserving of your love? How many of you have thought you’d found someone only to realize that they were only a projection - hopelessly void of anything deeper than the image of what you desired. This weeks post will hopefully spark a discussion on the internal work and steps you can take to put yourself in the best place possible to create a great relationship.
My advice - before you even think about starting a relationship, work on yourself. So let’s start with a couple of things you can work on that will pay dividends down the line.
1. Be Happy - I touched on this before in “Letting Go”. The first step toward having a great relationship is finding happiness - alone. Being happy isn’t just about the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and see that it’s sunny outside, happiness is being truly content with your life and the direction it’s going. It’s important to find this happiness before entering a relationship because, often times, if you’re not happy before the relationship, you’ll look to the relationship as a cure for that unhappiness. That’s too much pressure on the other person and on the relationship.
2. Let go of the long time flings, friends with benefits, lovers, or whatever else you want to call them. Those semi-relationships are repellants to new love and to happiness. They keep you stuck in the same circumstance, discourage new thoughts and ideas, and most of all, they keep you blinded from the potential beauty of everything else around you. Should you carry these past loves into your new relationship, the mish-moshing of feelings will reek havoc on you and your new partner’s situation. Do yourself a favor, lose that number, forget that email address and de-friend them on Myspace and The Facebook.
3. Find something to do with your free time - One of the worst things you can do, as a single person, is be idle. It’s during this idle time that you find yourself texting someone you shouldn’t be texting, emailing someone you shouldn’t be emailing or calling someone whose number you should have deleted. It’s also during idle time that one tends to desire companionship the most - you begin to feel like you’re idle because you don’t have someone - when really, you’re idle because you’re not doing anything. Remember that hobby you always said you were going to take up - sewing, or maybe it was photography, maybe a blog (ahem), spinning, Yoga, Tae-Bo, spelunking - whatever it is - now’s the time to dive into it. Not only will you find yourself thinking less and less about being alone, but you’ll also become a more well-rounded person.
4. Make time to serve someone else - You’d be amazed at how quickly you forget about whatever’s going on (or not going on in your life) when you take the time to care about someone else’s needs. So whether you decided to join Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or whether you volunteer with your church or at a women’s shelter - whatever it is, it’ll go a long way in reminding you of how blessed and fortunate you are as there’s always someone who has it a little worse.
Those 4 things will get you started. It’s important to make those things indelible characteristics of your everyday life. They may seem unrelated to finding “Mr. Right”, but from what I’ve experienced, it’s not so much about finding “Mr. Right” as much as it’s about putting yourself in a place - personally - to create the right relationship.
Once you’ve incorporated these sorts of principles into your everyday life, it’s time to sit down and think about what you want in a relationship. This is one of the most common steps we miss in our quests for love. We forget to think about what having a great relationship means to us. We think in abstract and emotional terms without ever really sitting down and writing out what those emotions look like in action. Take some time and do this, write down whatever comes to mind whenever you think about a great relationship. Once you know what you want, it will be much easier to recognize it when you find it; likewise, knowing it will also make it much easier for you to recognize what you don’t want when it comes around.
Here’ s where it gets a little tough. You’ve worked on yourself for a while - you’re feeling pretty happy about your life having let go of that old baggage, picked up a couple hobbies, fed the homeless for a while and taken the time to figure out what kind of relationship you’re looking for. Now you have to find that relationship… where to begin? My advice, just do what you’ve been doing. Go to work Monday through Friday - if you feel like going out with the girls on Friday night… do it, if you don’t, stay home and enjoy the time you have with your favorite person in the world (yourself). Don’t stay in on a Friday night to avoid “looking for love”, but, by the same token, to go out every Friday looking like the girl who’s looking for love. Just enjoy yourself.
When you meet someone, follow your gut instincts. If there’s something there, explore it, but do so cautiously, and 100% aware, at all times, of what you decided you’re looking for. If it’s clear that you two are looking for different things - move on. Don’t stick around waiting to see if they’ll have a change of heart - remember how wonderful you are and how content you are with your life and realize that you can’t expect different results doing the same thing over and over. Take your time this time. You’ll spend some nights ‘jonesing’, and some nights lonely, some nights you’ll be sad and some nights you’ll be really sad. But in the end, with the proper preparation, and the proper patience, you’ll find yourself smack in the middle of the best relationship you’ve ever experienced. It is at that point that you’ll realize - finding “Mr. Right” isn’t about seeing dozens and dozens of people searching for the right one, it’s about creating a situation in your life, where the right one, is the only one you see.
What do you guys think? How many of you have experienced or are experiencing something similar to what Jane experienced? How are you handling it? And what about causes? Why does there seem to be such a disparity between what men want and what women want?
Lastly, if you enjoy the blog, please subscribe and please leave comments or feedback - or, if you feel so inclined, send me a question or topic to write about - you can email me at jermaine@thatblackgirlsite.com
- later!
July 1st, 2008 at 12:56 pm
OMG! Points 1-4 are right on the money! I must admit…I am too looking to let go of all negative influences, old baggage, and past experiences…but truefully, it’s not as easy as it reads. What could be most challenging and ladies, correct me if I’m wrong, but I would say Point #3. Keeping yourself idle is DANGER ZONE! Not being kept occupied only hinders you from moving forward. Think about it…when being kept busy, points #1, 2, and 4 becomes effortless. You’re keeping yourself happy by doing the things you love; your mind allows you to forget past nonsence and/or experiences which has you thinking positively, and most of all…you start to look outside your buble and become involved with activities…and before you know it…what you’re looking for is right under your nose…I’m on the journey myself and it is one hell of a ride…however…the best time of my life…I’m learning me…
July 1st, 2008 at 11:22 pm
“It is at that point that you’ll realize - finding “Mr. Right” isn’t about seeing dozens and dozens of people searching for the right one, it’s about creating a situation in your life, where the right one, is the only one you see.”
Even after four years this is truth still sobering to me.
Can’t wait to hear your take on the next phase(s)…
July 1st, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Miss “Jane” seems to have everything together, looks, career and personality. I have a lot of friends in this same situation of having “everything” and still single. Here’s the advice that I give to them:
1)No one can love you or make you happy better than you. Finding “Mr. Right” is not to fulfill all the voids that are missing in your life or to so called make you “complete”. Your “Mr. Right” should be someone to add on to your happiness as well as you should add on to theirs. This person should be a compliment not a supplement.
2)You can’t go out looking for love. You’ll find love when you least expect it and most of the time it’s when you’re not looking.
3)Re-evaluate what you want in “Mr. Right” but don’t lower your standards. You should realize that “Mr. Right” cannot be perfect. He may snore, chew like a cow or may have bad credit but you are not perfect either therefore you can’t expect him to perfect. Don’t be too picky but don’t settle for less either. Find a happy medium.
4)Don’t put a deadline on your life. You don’t have to get married by a certain age, with the white picket fence, two kids and a dog. Enjoy yourself while you can and everything will fall into place.
July 5th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Whereas I do completely agree with everything written, I do tire of the suggestion that those who are single need to constantly self examine our singlehood. How about celebrating singlehood? There are benefits to both being in a relationship and out of a relationship. Some of this reads as to what to do when you’re “waiting” for the partner AND are LONELY.
Being single doesn’t mean you’re lonely. Do yoga so you won’t think about being alone? Do yoga because its good for your body and your spirit! Enjoy live because its there to be enjoyed, single or not.
Maybe this was for the lonely single women. I want women to embrace who they are AS a single women because it makes being in a relationship that much better.
July 10th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
I was like Jane… when I was 21, then I grew out of it. Not that I’m that far off from it now. I’m only 24, but after my last relationship ended, I decided it wasn’t the end of the world. I just made up in my mind that if I didn’t have it (it being anything: a new car, a man, a pedicure, a spa day, a vacation to Australia, a house) then I probably didn’t need it. And, shocker, I was right! Sure, there were some cold and lonely, tearful nights, but all in all, I’ve become so much more secure in who I am; gotten closer with my parents and family; learned how to cook; taken time to work on my health and wellness. I’m in my second year of graduate school. And I’ve learned to enjoy time with myself, by myself.
I have always felt that if women, particularly Black women, focused their energies on something other than being lonely, alone, single and mad about it, we could very well change the world. We’re powerful people! It’s a little disappointing that even in our accomplishments, we feel incomplete without men. We’re whole, wonderful, beautiful people who could probably stand to get along better with ourselves before being all attached at the hip to a guy.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
July 22, 2008
After reading the article and all the comments I see myself as Jane and some of the other sisters. I’m 51 years old, I have one daughter (1 grandson) but never married, although it’s my hearts desire to be in a relationship I realize that looking for “MR. Right” is not the way, I should be content with who God says is “right” for me. I believe that relationships fail because we entertainment then for the wrong reasons. We stay with partners because we don’t want to show up alone or become the third party. I learned over the years to enjoy me, have fun with me, spend time with me, get to know me and most of all love me. Once I was bitter, angry and disappointed, I had dinner many night with loneliness and took depression to bed with me every night. I still have my low periods however today I’m better than I was on yesterday knowing that God has kept me another day and that I have peace of mind.
God Bless!!!!!
July 31st, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I must agree with the author. I have experienced depression, loneliness, bitterness, guilt, shame, and the list goes on just because I am (was) alone. I am trying my best everyday to get past all of these negative feelings and to embrace myself as a whole complete woman. I must say some days are better than others but I must convince myself that nothing is wrong with me because I haven’t been chosen by a man to be his wife. I also know that I can’t keep making foolish mistakes in relationships. I guess it all boils down to enjoying who you are and loving life because you only have one life to live. However, like one writer stated it is easier said than done.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:59 am
This blog post is golden. Essentially what singles miss out on is the upside of our relationship status. I appreciate this time with self and count it a privilege to be able to devote time to God and myself, establishing a great foundation to receive Mr. Right. In past experiences I’ve tried to create opportunities to be found by him, only to be disappointed by the mediocre attempts of men who want to “holla @ a shawty” rather than dialogue with a young intellect. Though I’ve experienced the tears, heartache, and loneliness of unsettled singlehood, I’m now at a place where I can appreciate where I am. Your post just reinforeced that I’m in the right direction.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I find it funny that a guy wrote this post.
I am happily married however my cousin is pretty much this girl you talked about.
MBA, well rounded female however she cannot find her prince.
Speaking as a woman, I think some woman raise the bar too high that most brothers cannot reach it and she do not give them a chance.
Bottomline, know what you want before demanding the red carpet from everyone else.
Know thyself!
September 17th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I think I’m going to print this out and read it everyday! Seriously! Especially since I’m going through the same thing and actually just wrote an entry about deciding to hate men because I can’t find the right one. This is great!
September 21st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I thought this was an insightful piece, even though I have heard some of it before. A relationship cannot complete you. No matter how successful you are in you career;it seem others question you success if you do not have a husband/man and children. A whole lot of married folks are not happy. It alway seems green on the other side!!!
Enjoy your singlesness!