Okay, like many of you, I wondered why actor, activist and author Hill Harper was writing a relationship book. But it turns out that he knew that we’d all be asking him that question and tackles the issue from the first pages of this new book “The Conversation”. Harper has the guts to take as a passenger on his journey to find right love for himself (while clueing us in on our collective bad habits). I don’t know if I could do that . Earlier this week, I talked to Harper about the book, his love life and the mission he’s on.

In the book Harper writes about meeting a woman named Nichole— a sister he met on the East Coast that he had an instant connection with. As you read, you’ll learn about his fears in calling her and how they ended up a relationship. Of course I had to ask whether Nichole was still in the picture. I could hear the regret in his voice when he said she wasn’t. The good news is that this process has opened the actor up to what’s next, he wants love in a ‘big and complete way’ and he’s pretty excited about the prospect. He used one of his favorite lines by Common “it doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine,” to describe where he is today. “If I get hit with the sunshine it’s not going to take me long to move,” he says (to demonstrate that there will be no hesitation when he meets Ms. Right).

Harper has read quite a few relationship books and was struck that most of them are written for women. But “The Conversation” is written for both brothers and sisters. In fact, we hear points of vews from each at different points in the book. And these are the real answers not the kind that are tied up in a neat bow so you can feel better. In fact, “The Conversation” and the Town Hall meetings Harper is doing in association with this book are bound to make you uncomfortable. That’s because the truth is not always as pretty to look at initially but it can do beautiful things in your life.

He is often struck by how often he hears from both women that there are no ‘good men’ and vice-versa from the brothers and calls us out on how illogical that premise is.  And although some of his dialogues at book signings and Town Halls can be light-hearted and look at the issue from a pop culture perspective, Harper points out that if we drill down deeper than our people are facing some serious consequences as a result of our behavior. “If we don’t deal with some of these issues ,” he says. “We are bearing witness to the dissolution of the African American family.”  In other words our issues of mistrust and mess are bound to have lasting consequences. To Harper it is not even clear that black men and women are actually friends anymore. Hmmm.

The baggage we carry has a lot to do with it. Yes we’ve all had hurtful things happen in the past but the effect it has on us can vary greatly. And Harper points out that some of us “are carrying black bags that are so large they get can stuck in elevator doors”. Another problem that he tackles  is that we often send ‘our representatives’ to take our place in relationships. That’s a form of ourself we ‘think’ the opposite sex wants to see. Hint: this is not a good idea. Harper even mentions a friend who after being married for a number of years found out that he didn’t really know his mate (just her representative) so they had to start all over.

Harper’s goal is to convene a national conversation on the subject. He points to the example that the Obama’s give us as they model family and a relationship between black men and women. “The irony is we see that image but that is not going on between black men and black women today” he says. “This is the opportunity to say: can we use the Obamas and their image to turn the tide (on the percentages on two parent black families).?”

Now for us sisters, Harper (and the other brothers in the book) call us on our propensity to reveal more of ourselves to our girls then we ever do with our significant others. While he calls the brothers out on co-signing friends’ bad behavior (i.e. creeping) and thinks that if brothers truly love black women they won’t either encourage or turn a blind eye to such behavior. These are some big asks but very necessary.

As you might have gleaned from this interview, this not a feel-good book it is one that encourages you to think, check yourself on your own issues and perhaps make changes. There’s no ending that ties up in a neat little bow either. In fact, it is more like real life. You get some information and then you want a bit more. Hopefully, you have some conversations of your own.

Listen to part of my interview with Hill Harper on a bonus edition of That Black Girl Radio Show

If you liked this post, we think you might like these too:

1. TBGS Interview: Erica Kennedy Author of “Feminista”
2. TBGS Interview: Robert Townsend On “The Diary of a Single Mom”
3. That Black Girl Of The Week: Anita Hill
4. Modern Poetry Before Our Time: Frances Ellen Watkins Harper, 1825-1911
5. TBGS Year in Review: #3 The Creamy Crack Debate