Today I was at an event at my niece’s school and of the 75 people gathered, there was only one other sister in the yard. We sat a row apart for two hours, she didn’t even acknowledge that I was there. No eye contact, no nod and definitely no ‘how are you?’ Of course, everyone around her spoke while she sat silent. I find this both annoying and sad when these things happen (and they don’t happen very often). Three things go through my mind: either they don’t think they’re black, they don’t want to be seen talking to another sister or they’re mad because they want to be the ‘only one.’
Now I know that there is no ‘official’ black girl’s club but I think a lot of us have gotten to the point that we are happy to see someone who looks like us in successful circles or unlikely places. One of my friends lived in Italy for years and would become elated every time she saw a black American that she’d stop to talk to them. Once, while traveling in Finland for about 10 days a brother yelled out across the plaza “Hey, I know you’re (black) American!”
But the connections don’t always happen with strangers, they can also occur in your working life as well. When I first started out working in the beauty department of Elle, the only other black woman in the room was usually Mikki Taylor from Essence. Never mind that overzealous junior publicists automatically assumed I was Mikki when I appeared at the door. It was obvious she had been the only one for a long time. Yet she offered sage advice when we spoke and that knowing glance from across the room. A few years later, when there were a few more of us at those events we’d happily grab a table and sit together. Maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to understand these silent sisters. They just don’t know what they’re missing out on when they stand alone.
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Loved this post and couldn’t agree with you more.
I will forever be a fan of The Negro Nod. It seems only natural to acknowledge another person of color, especially when there are only two of you in the room!
There are too few of us in certain circles to look the other way or feign disinterest.
May 24th, 2008 at 7:36 am
I often feel pressure to acknowledge other minorities when I am in a setting where there is few of us. The pressure comes from knowledge that many expect that acknowledge and I honestly wouldn’t mind so much if some people didn’t automatically think that we are friends for life now because we have one thing in common. If we could keep it to a hi and bye situation and let a friendship grow naturally and not because we’re both black, I would be more than happy to acknowledge all the time
August 25th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I’m with Suzy. There’s nothing wrong with speaking/waving/nodding at anyone - especially (I might add) when the acknowledgment is directed toward other African Americans. No one is obligated to show this type of courtesy - it’s just a nice thing to do. I’m from the Midwest where it is common for people (no matter what your ethnicity happens to be) to at least say hello or nod when at a function/grocery store/mall/etc.
When I moved to the southern half of the U.S. (*cough, Texas! *cough), I was heartbroken at the way many of the African American women treat each other and those of us who come from different areas of the country. (I’m only speaking about the section of the state where I live. This may or may not be true of the entire state.)
When some AA women see a white person, they are all smiles, they say hello, and they make some kind of freaking connection with the person. But an African American woman is treated like a ghost in the same setting. There were many times when I would see a sister, smile and say hello, and the chick would look the other way like she didn’t see or hear me! I mean, this would happen, A LOT.
I expected that type of treatment from southern whites, but not from southern blacks. It was a real eye-opener!
At first, I became self-conscious and wondered if I was giving off bad vibes. I asked a couple of people I trusted what was up and they said, “people in this area have to get to know you first” before they start opening up. I thought to myself, “How in the h*** will you get to know anyone like that?!” After a while, I chalked it up to living in a small city, country (i.e., “bama”) ignorance, and intolerance toward people who are not like yourself.
As far as someone thinking they’re your friend because you acknowledge them or because of having a similar ethnicity is a sign of desperation, IMO. That’s where you have to set boundaries by letting the person know anyone who is a friend to you brings more to the table than just a superficial mindset.
Anyway, I do my best not to let anyone’s ignorance or intolerance get the best of me. And I know how to manage the situation when some well meaning, but desperate sister crosses the line.
Great post!
Great post!