On three separate occasions over the past 3 weeks, I’ve found myself engaged in conversation, with women, surrounding the myth of male fidelity. Two of the times it was with co-workers –who know me fairly well, and the other time was with people who’ve known me for a while and whom I’d consider friends.
The conversations started out centering on the normal Mars/Venus type debates. Unfailingly, at some point, one of the ladies would find a reason to assert the ideology that “All men cheat”.
Before we continue, I want you guys to stop reading for a second, and answer the question for yourself: Do all men cheat?
Back to the conversation. For some reason – possibly a sort of male solidarity – that assumption, that all men cheat, didn’t sit right with me. My first response was to attack what I saw as an extreme generalization. Usually, when a large generalization of that sort is made, the person who made the statement will back a way a little when prodded. Not on the issue of male fidelity – when I said – “you can’t mean all men!?”, the response was “yes, all men cheat”. My next response was to try to frame the question. I figured that it was easy to make a general statement like that, when you aren’t attaching a face to the cheater…
“So that means, you think that I’m going to cheat”. The response, in all three conversations – with my co-workers, and with my friends- was the same…”Yes, you’re going to eventually cheat”. This was news to me. I agreed, that it was in a man’s nature to, at some point, desire companionship outside of their relationship. I always thought that desire could be quelled through discipline and hard work. I found myself humorously wondering – what was I waiting for – if I’m going to cheat anyway, I might as well stop wasting time and get started now, while I’m still in my prime…lol.
Seriously though, here I am speaking with young, successful, career oriented women of color, who have everything to offer, and not a single reason to desire anything but the best, but have essentially accepted infidelity as a natural component of romantic relationships. And therein lays the rub: the acceptance. When you answer the question “do all men cheat” with a “yes”, and then enter into a relationship with man, that “yes” still intact, you are – in some ways telling him that it’s ok to cheat.
Imagine this scenario: You’ve been dating a guy for 3 or 4 months and the two of you are just starting to contemplate making the step toward commitment. In the course of dating, you have what seem like fun, harmless conversations like the one we’re having now, and at some point, you express to him nonchalantly, your belief that all men cheat. Three months later you guys decide you’re going to be in a serious, monogamous, relationship. He’s probably not thinking about cheating, at first, but as the relationship progresses, the newness wears off and temptation starts rearing it’s ugly head (as it always does) – the fact that he knows – somewhere in the back of his mind – that you expect him to cheat, is not going to be a helpful deterrent – on the contrary.
Send some feedback, and we’ll continue this discussion with part 2 in the coming days…
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July 11th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I think you’re right. It’s all about what you expect. I am a 35 year old Black man, married for 11 years. In our parent’s generation, it was generally EXPECTED that most marriages should stay together. Everyone had problems, but the expectation was that people would work out their problems.
Now, the unspoken expectation is that its ok to get a divorce at the first sign of trouble. The divorce rate is ASTRONOMICAL.
Same thing with infidelity. We cannot allow negative thoughts to dictate our thinking. Of course I have been tempted with the desire to see other women outside of the marriage but my desire to raise a strong Black family is greater than my desire to ruin it.
July 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Part 2?
September 18th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Females speak about men going out of their relationship to cheat, but in reality females do it too…difference is females and males cheat for different reasons…
Some females just need to stop pointing the fingers…
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
This is not specific to any topic necessarily, I am a black male, & I just want to make a comment, over the years I have watched & listened to many programs, whether they were radio or tv shows, and many of the shows were not dealing with anything to do with black issues necessarily. I just wanted to ask this question. Why is it that whether I am a show on black issues or not, black people male or female, is always mentioning the fact they work & or went to college or have a job. Why don’t other groups mention these things when describing themselves or their situation. I as the listener could care less if the person descrbiing their issue went to college or is currently married or not. Y can’t black people just describe whatever they are having a problem with & just keep their person/educational acomplishments to themselves & simply describe the problem.
September 22nd, 2008 at 4:06 pm
To answer this question as a black man without getting into my educatonal background & whether or not I WORK (I DO BTW)) No all black men don’t cheat I don’t but my woman has in the past, don’t know if she is now I don’t snoop on her, thats not my style, but I don’t feel the need to get revenge & I never have felt the need to get revenge. I told her & I still tell her, just because you may have cheated does no mean I have to do the same, & I don;t feel the need to check on her cause I aint a private eye or her daddy. I am the sort of guy, who is into the things I like to do, ie WORKING OUT whether at home or at ballys, sports specifically footballl, cloths for me (shopping for myself)I don’t have time to focus on ANYBODY else & what they may or may not be doing. I am the most important person to me, maybe if most men thought like that, there would be less stalkers out here & less abuse of the ladies. She can leave me if she wants to, she works, she makes good money & so do I so life can go on without her if she wants to leave me for some other dude. The way my mind works & I tell her this, it would hurt, but I could get over it, because I am into ME so I can get over some one leaving me in a relationship. See sometimes its good to be stuck on yourself.
December 23rd, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Most men cheat; Men like variety. If a woman is not sexy freaky in the bed, I don’t care how good she think she looks, at some point he will cheat. If he’s not cheating physically, he’s on the internet tapping into porn or on a singles site lying about who he really is. All most men need is a location. Seldom do they think about consequences. The sad part is, often they really don’t connect sex with the actual woman. All they want is another body next to them, a different set of curves, different skin, a different voice etc. I would never trust a man.
December 28th, 2008 at 1:46 am
BlakBrit, it seems to me that your really hurt and your just trying to hide your true feelings. You say that it’s okay to be stuck on yourself?? maybe thats the reason why your woman cheated on you in the first place, because you were so into yourself and paid her no attention. And you also question why black people feel the need to mention their education and their accomplishments it’s because it is stereotypical of others to look on and assume the worst from blacks. It is automatically assumed that we do not have college degrees or even high school degrees for that matter. Instead of you applauding your fellow brothers and sisters you question them which in my opinion is pathetic. You come off as a sorry excuse for a “Black man” and I really do feel sorry for you. I hope that you can one day move on and look beyond the little world that you have created for yourself where you are living in a state of denial.
December 28th, 2008 at 1:50 am
OK…..now back on topic….I do not believe that all men cheat. I believe that a lot of men cheat but it’s not fair to generalize. It is understandable for a man or a woman for that matter to have desires to go outside of the relationship especially once the relationship has lost its excitement. its sad to admit but I know for fact that all of my female friends have cheated on one of their counterparts at least once. I guess my answer isn’t really a good one because of the fact that I myself am not a man but I still do believe in the goodness in individuals.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Wow!
I’m still forced to ask the question: What do you mean by cheat? Sexual infidelity? Not all men (black or otherwise). In other more important ways. Chances are everyone cheats. I’ve had totally platonic relationships and I have a career that that many women in my life have considered cheating, because of the passionate depth and intimacy I invest. Give up my art, music and the friendships that are tied to them? Nah!
January 2nd, 2009 at 3:10 am
Who do these men cheat with?……….WOMEN..so why act like we are cheating with ourselves,the game is even when a man cheats with a cheating woman,,tha stuff’s even..they both cheat.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
“All men cheat”. Huh, and women are the pinnicle of fedilty. Don’t let women fool you into thinking they’re somehow better than you in relationships, they cheat just as much as men do and plenty of surveys prove it. The difference is that when they cheat, it’s still the man’s fault one way or another, and they won’t allow people to think they are prone to infidelity.
January 6th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Well I guess the easiest way to avoid this conflict is
Not committing!
January 20th, 2009 at 12:17 am
cheating can be simple and cheating can be complex. It all depends on the person/people you choose to deal with. More importantly, I thinks its important not to cheat yourself, if you not happy in a relationship and you want to test the waters else where for whatever reasons, you should just be honest about it.
January 24th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Cheating can be constituted in a number of ways. Although sex is what comes to mind when the term “cheating” arises, I would argue that remaining in a relationship if the other person has not only had sex with another individual but has become emotionally involved should be carefully considered. I hate to say it, but for most men it seems easy to separate sex from love and emotion. A man can love his woman with all his heart and want to spend the rest of his life with her, but still have sex with another woman who to him is only an object, a body. This is by no means excusable or encouraged, but in the presence of true love and a strong relationship, it can be forgiven. Ladies, I have learned this the hard way, but a man can be in love with you and still cheat. It’s up to you if you feel that you are resilient enough to get through it with him, or prefer to live without him. But as a warning, watch out for signs that he is becoming emotionally invested in another woman- or man, for that matter (it is the 21st century, yall). This is when it may become difficult to salvage the relationship, and commitment may be questioned.
January 27th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Do all men cheat? No, but most of them do. BUT so do most women, i know this cos i cheated once myself and most women i know have cheated in some way too.
The problem is men are expected to cheat and its never turned around on women, there should also be a blog with the title do all women cheat?
I don’t really have much to say on the subject but most men AND women cheat. there’s only a few good ones that don’t.
Ladies and gentlemen we need to go to church n find us some good brotha’s n sister’s!! lol
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Do all men cheat??? If they do, I hope and assume it’s with another woman, and not a man. Therefore, your question is answered…Yes, and so do women, because we can’t cheat by ourselves. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGLE!!
February 20th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Cheaters like to think all people are cheating. Just like drug users and smokers like to think all people use drugs or smoke. The more important question you have to ask yourself is “am I a cheater?” We all get to say what kind of person we want to be- people think it is so hard but it is not. Look up a the word “integrity.” That is a characteristic all good people have. It is not to say that you won’t make mistakes but the mistakes will be corrected with extreme care. And you will not make the big mistakes like cheating because you will understand that a mature person does not behave in that manner. I have been married 13 years and not once have I ever cheated. I know I have a particular weakness, because my husband is the only man I have ever had sex with so I am a little more sexually curious than most women about men. I know this about myself and I keep it in check. Why? Because I know what kind of person I want to be and it is not one who lacks integrity. If I had ever thought my husband would eventually cheat on me, I would have never married him. I would never deem to think that low of him. I know the day my husband decides to sleep with another woman is the day he informs me our marriage is over; that is how you handle your business when you are a mature and decent person. You don’t take the easy way out; you have the difficult conversations. My husband likes pussy as much as any other man but he understands what his responsibilities are to our family and to me as his wife. And he understands when you are dealing with women; they all come with their baggage. He knows that even new pussy gets old and what are you going to do just keep replacing it until you hit the wrong patch? So no all men do not cheat; not even most men. You get a false perception if you date or marry scum- so stop with the scum.
March 5th, 2009 at 12:53 am
When did happiness become a prerequisite for a commitment?
100 years ago a marriage was pretty much an economic institution for free people.
I understand that when you’re not free, you need some emotional latitude to ease the pain of being enslaved.
All the qualities I hear being expressed as most desirable are easiest acquired from small pets and battery operated pleasured devices.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
YES THEY ALL DO!!!
Filthy Dogs!
April 15th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I am in a wonderful marriage, and I’m mad at myself – because my pride and ego has taken over. I don’t have concrete evidence that my husband has ever cheated…but I’m always on edge…. Like that “I’m not going to let you get me mentatility!”
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
i want to know how would a woman no when a men is cheating on them. And why do mens cheat.
July 5th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I would like to believe that not all men cheat but given the actions of every man I have been romantically involved and committed to It is difficult for me to say that they don’t.
The main point that I want to comment on is in reference to the posts of mark and anonymous, the excuse that men are not responsible for their actions and that women are cheaters also has little to do with “taking two to tangle”. Statistically, most events of male infidelity involve a single woman as the “other woman”. Neither woman is a cheater in this case, at most the the women could be enablers of his cheating ways but that is only in the event that they know about each other and allow him to continue.
Men cheat. Women cheat. It i equally wrong.
& quite frankly, I just don’t see the point. I would rather be broken up with than lied to, disrespected, and made a fool of (those are the outcomes of cheating)
October 7th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Not every man or woman cheats. But most people do. Lots of people do lots of horrible things, doesn’t mean you have to or that you should put up with people that do. That said, whenever I’ve been in a relationship I let my partner know that I have a ZERO tolerance policy when it comes to infidelity. That includes emotional infidelity (oh, yes there’s such a thing) as well as sexual teasing and flirting. I just don’t tolerate that ish period. And if someone wants to be my one and only they either abide by those rules or get ta steppin’ cause I’m not having it.
I’m not having my trust shattered, my heart broken, or my coochie diseased up, period. I trust so far as a person proves themselves to be trustworthy. That blind trust stuff is BS. If you have opposite sex friends you hang out with on the regular and I’ve not met these people, I have a right to be concerned.
If you go away on a trip for a month and I’m the last thing on your mind and you don’t check in every now and again, I have a right to be concerned. So, yes. Set expectations early. And if you’re sick of somebody, be man or woman enough to end it. And if you get cheated on do the same. Life is too short.
November 14th, 2009 at 2:55 am
ALL MEN CHEAT!!!! A MAN IS ONLY AS “FAITHFUL” AS HIS OPTIONS!!! This is very distinctly different from a women cheater, which is definitely fewer! Any married women who thinks that their man has NEVER CHEATED (or) is NOT WILLING to cheat or will NEVER CHEAT is VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY ……. N A I V E!!!! If you don’t know what “naive” means, look it up in the dictionary!!!! ALL MEN WILL CHEAT!!!!!!!!!!! AT some point in their relationship!!!! PERIOD! Even the Preachers, Reverends, Geeks, and Preists!!! If it’s got a “twig” and “two berries” hitch to it, it can’t be trusted!!!!!
December 12th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
A LOT OF MEN CHEAT BUT WITH WHO? WOMEN WHO KNOW FULLY WELL THAT THE MAN IS INVOLVED OR MARRIED TO THEIR SITER, THEIR BEST FRIEND, THEIR NEIGGHBOUR, THEIR CO-WORKER,THEIR COUSIN,THEIR AUNTIE, THEIR DAUGHTER, THEIR MOTHER……..OH WOMEN. I AM A WOMAN AND I KNOW A MAN THAT IS INVOLVED LIKE MILES AWAY AND WOULD NEVER EVER DO THAT TO ANOTHER SISTER!!!!!!
THE DAY WOMEN WOULD LOOK AT AN ALREADY TAKEN MAN AND SAY NO BUT NO THANKS WHAT A BETTER WORLD IT WOULD BE FOR ALL!
December 16th, 2009 at 6:35 am
The majority of men cheat while a few won’t. I strongly feel they do it just to try something different since they’re already used to the person they are with. Other reasons are: the relationship is not like when both sexes first met, both genders are not that compatible, different type of body, personality and better intercourse, and last but not least for financial needs. Then again the main reason i believe they cheat is to try a different meat (explore a different type of body).
December 19th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Well I can speak from experience from being cheated on. The relationship started off just fine..until he strayed and once I decided to let him back…it just continued. I can say that I am a pretty nice catch.(other guys prove that to me), I am a hard worker…I am a college graduate…I am a great provider…believe in morals and values..know how to hold it down in the bedroom..so just to sum it up the perfect one..This was actually expressed to me by him..he never gave a reason why he cheated..just oh those girls…they don’t mean anything..I mean..I love You..To me that is not love..I feel that men who cheat are selfish and need to live a single life. Why jump into a relationship if feelings of infidelity are running through your blood? Why cause hurt amongst an innocent partner because the lack of self control is not there? Men cheat and women enable and help them cheat. They think it is a game? Both parties.Since I have been injured my trust for men has kind of went down..I try not to look at all men the same, but to give a man 100% of my trust again is less likely, he will need to prove that he is worthy of my trust. I am against this thing of making excuses that a man is going to be a man or that is in his nature..that is why they continue to cheat, we make it okay by providing statements like that.
IT IS A BOY THAT GIVES IN INTO THE TEMPTATION OF THE FLESH; BUT IT TAKES A “REAL MAN” TO WALK AWAY FROM IT!!!…….HURT ANGEL….12-19-2009
January 6th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Do all men cheat? Most do! Most men are too busy trying to prove to themselves that they are men instead of just being one. When they meet someone new that makes them feel important for the moment, they cant help themselves. They temporarily forget the woman that has stood beside them in all their imperfections just to be beside one that will eventually see those same imperfections as the cycle continues.
Women cheat too, but not as quickly or as often as most men will.
January 12th, 2010 at 2:17 am
@ kerri – what do u mean men will cheat for financial reasons? i don’t quite capture that one.
and since y’all have proclaimed most men to be cheaters, how do you plan to screen out the loyal from the disloyal? how would it even be possible for a man to prove that he’s a good man with that mentality?
January 13th, 2010 at 11:59 am
“…and last but not least for financial needs.”
Yeah. I don’t get that one either.
Men cheat because because women choose to be with cheaters.
Think about it this way. Women choose men. They set up the rules. The truly genuine guys generally lose. They just don’t make the vagina tingle. It doesn’t matter how cute, funny, smart or charming and successful they are. A guy who is into a girl comes off as weak and we all know that women want to be dominated. How boring would it be to date a guy who indicated a desire to be faithful to you? Where’s the challenge in that?!? This guy gets dismissed with da quickness.
On the other hand, there’s the guy who can’t be dominated. He’s unavailable. He’s not affected by the silly mind games women play because he doesn’t care about you in the first place. Nothing you try against him seems to work. A woman perceives this as CONFIDENCE, and most importantly, STRENGTH. But in reality, it’s not confidence or strength.
The real reason that you got cheated on is, repeat after me, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. And it doesn’t matter whether you were his “girlfriend” or whether you thought he loved you. You could try to rationalize it all you want, but the simplest answer is usually the correct one.
If all (or most) men do cheat, it’s only because of the rules that women have put in place. Women simply aren’t attracted to the men who would do them right.
January 13th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
And if you don’t believe me, I want you to be real with yourselves. Did it really come as a surprise when you found out your “boyfriend” was cheating on you with one, two or 8 different chicks? I doubt it.
Have you ever dismissed a really solid dude (meaning attractive, confident, funny, successful, etc) because he didn’t quite have that “danger” factor that another guy had? (Meaning: He didn’t make it clear that he was ready, willing, and capable of banging other chicks once you left his presence for 5 minutes).
I can’t help but laugh when it comes to women who complain about getting cheated on. Especially the really cute ones. It usually turns out that they are part of harem to some dude who’s take your pick: compulsive liar, sociopath, player, or all the above.
January 17th, 2010 at 9:08 pm
Chris,
I wonder, you state that women are choosing cheaters, but it sounds like you are dealing with a bunch of loser females, club hoppers, drama queens, etc. Neither me nor my friends would turn down a decent man for a loser or cheater. I don’t do drama in intimate relationships or friendships. I believe the foundation to a good relationship is friendship. Problem is most people want to proceed immediately to the physical, even the ones that consider themselves to be good. Trust is built over time, by watching how a man or woman handles conflict, how their family and friends perceive them, and previous behavior. If your man or woman’s friends would never take relationship advice from them and they are decent themselves, not worth the time. If the people in their life don’t respect them, pass. Respect is commanded not demanded, if the people who know them don’t trust them or value their advice, they are probably not worth the trouble. If all their friends are sleazy (male or female), even if they are not they likely indulge in the drama. Good women aren’t standing around dismissing guys in the club. I would rather go skydiving, camping, and travelling and look for a man who shares my ideas of fun. Good men are sexy! Just remember to act like it. Women aren’t the only ones who idolize the player, to many men envy their friends ability to be jerks and get away with it. There are alot of losers acting like they are God’s gift. If a guy or girl is a player before you, they will be one during and after you. To my knowledge, I haven’t been cheated on. If I ever am, one word comes to mind, GoodBye!!!