I love Disney cartoons —I think it’s the child in me that watches in awe as a magical scene unfolds. I especially love “Snow White”. Such a fabulous tale about a young girl overcoming adversity and prevailing in the end—even if she did need a white knight (Prince in this instance) to save her. But, when I think about her Wicked Stepmother, the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. She’s so mean, so evil, so ugly – she deserves to get smacked down in the worst way. From that moment, I promised myself that I would never, ever let the Wicked Stepmother get to me. And, if I ever had stepchildren, I would love them and they would love me because I’m a great person, right? That evil creature would never make an appearance in my life in any way.
When my husband and I first started dating, he told me he had a 9-year old son. I was so excited! Boys love me, I thought. A piece of cake, no problem here. Then, I met him. It all started out well. We got along fabulously, until my relationship with his dad grew. He was used to his dad having a girlfriend—his parents were separated for most of his life. But the relationships never progressed past that point. Once my husband’s son realized that his father and I were getting serious, things started taking a turn for the worse. He started ignoring me when I spoke to him, became passive aggressive, said some mean things that really hurt and was the root of many arguments with his dad. Then it dawned on me. I somehow morphed from Snow White to the Wicked Stepmother. How the hell did this happen, especially to me? I am such a cool and easygoing person.
What I failed to realize was that I was now this little boy’s competition—for his father’s love, attention, etc. The kid did everything to outshine me and I allowed it out of guilt and this burning desire to have him love me. In my mind, my relationship with his father would not work out if things weren’t perfect…if I didn’t love his son or if his son did not love me. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall and the migraine lasted months. Then, I met a very good friend and mentor for breakfast. I told her what I was going through and how I felt like this was all my fault for not trying enough. She gave me a wonderful piece of advice that rings in my head every time my stepson does something that annoys me or that I don’t agree with. She said, take the pressure off yourself. It’s ok if he doesn’t love you or if you don’t love him. You may grow to love each other or it might never happen. What’s important is that you both respect each other and that you learn to get along.
Once I digested my friend’s words of wisdom, I realized that I was frustrated with my stepson because I believed that in order for things to work out, we had to love each other. Just imagine how much pressure I put on myself to perform. I actually became this other person I didn’t like very much— a twisted combination of the mother in “Mommy Dearest” and Edith Bunker from “All in the Family”. He has no reason to love me because I wasn’t behaving like myself. I was trying to be everything I thought a good stepmother should be without stopping to figure out what my stepson needed and what my husband’s expectations were. Once I let go of that performance stress and anxiety, I was able to recapture my identity and let it shine. I won’t say things are completely rosy, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Every time my stepson kisses me on the cheek, tells me how pretty I look or looks at me with respect and caring in his eyes, I know that I am moving in the right direction. It’s all a work in progress.
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Caridad Pellot is a corporate executive who just looks like she has it all together. In her blog, “Diary Of A Control Freak”, she lets us in on the lessons she’s learning along the way.
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