I always told myself that I would never fall in love with a man who has been divorced, let alone one with children. It’s too much of a hassle trying to perform for everyone and you are always left feeling like the “other woman”. You have to be extra nice to the child because you really want him/her to like you even though their mother tells them that you are their competition and that they do not need to listen or respect you. And, the ex-wife? I had nightmares of receiving calls at all hours of the night, supposedly an emergency with the child, just to find out that she was trying to get my man to her apartment for a “reconciliation”. But, you cannot tell your heart who to love and you can’t always contain a bad situation.
My husband of three years is a wonderful man. Is he perfect? No, no one is. Do I have issues with him, especially when it comes to his son and ex-wife? Of course. But, we love each other and strive to work things out. In the beginning, we had intense arguments every time his son came for his bi-monthly visit. I would always wonder how 2 ½ days could be so miserable, so tragic. Then, I realized that my husband and I were both to blame, not his ex or his child. It wasn’t what the boy did or did not do that had us at each others’ throats. It was the way we handled the situation that caused the code red. I am a consummate control freak and I admit this openly and willingly. The combination of my desire and need for my stepson and I to get along not only clashed with his mother’s agenda, but also put a lot of pressure on me. I’m not the Disneyland and rose-colored glasses kind of woman. I am a realist, to the point of pessimism at times. I can’t ignore my stepson doing the opposite of what he is told and I can’t brush off his lack of grace and care when it comes to my possessions. I tried to ignore him and everything that he did to annoy me and ended up repressing a ton of feelings that in the end caused anxiety and unhappiness every time I thought about him invading my home. What I realized through all the tears and hurt feelings is that I was becoming a liar. I was not honest with my husband about my feelings towards him and his son. I had to become another person, someone I did not like, in order to deal with them both. It was easy to put the blame on them, but actually, it was all my fault. I was afraid that if I told my husband how I felt, he would easily choose his son over me and I would be left all alone. Then, the day came when the final blow was delivered, the straw that broke the camel’s back.
It was a stupid argument again about his son’s behavior. This child is a true passive aggressive that chooses not to listen when the mood strikes. I was appalled by his behavior and his father’s attitude. Instead of reprimanding him for lying or for disobeying, my husband let the kid slide all the time. I know he feels guilty about not being able to be a full time parent. It was a situation where his ex made his life impossible and he could not tolerate her behavior anymore. It’s unfortunate—for some reason we women complain about how there are no good men around. But, when we find a guy that is a good man, we don’t know what to do with him. What we do not realize is that we have to love that man, along with all his good and bad traits. Love is supposed to be unconditional, accepting and nurturing. Love is supposed to bring the good in a person out— that’s why they say that your spouse is your “better half”. They are termed this, not because they are the half that is better, but because they bring out the best in you. Unfortunately, my husband’s ex was best at bringing out the worst in him and the situation.
I do not regret the argument or what lead to it. Thankfully, it caused me to let all my feelings out and to cut myself some slack. My husband had no clue that I felt the way that I did. I guess I learned how to develop a great poker face. After the tears and yelling (all from my part, mind you), I was so exhausted, I just collapsed into his arms. He listened to me and consoled me. He apologized for making me feel like I was not a consideration when it involved his son. He realized that in his guilty foray to overcompensate for his not being there and for my stepson’s terrible mother, he forgot about his better half—me. More important, he made it clear to me that it was not his son versus me. My husband wants us to be a team to help raise his son with some sense or normalcy, love and strength. This realization helped me to change my perspective. My goal is that my stepson not see me as the “other woman” or competition. Every day he comes that much closer to seeing me as an ally, someone who can help build him up, not knock him down.
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Caridad Pellot is a corporate executive who just looks like she has it all together. In her blog, “Diary Of A Control Freak”, she lets us in on the lessons she’s learning along the way.
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