My 20th high school reunion was a few weeks ago and I did not attend. A few months ago, we all connected through FaceBook and reminisced over great times. I loved it! I relived great memories I never even thought about for over a decade. Then, it was the day before my reunion. As curious as I was about what ever happened to all my friends and schoolmates, I could not motivate myself to attend.
What I had come to realize is that I am a much different person from that shy schoolgirl 20 years ago. I am more assertive, serious and career obsessed. Most of the good friends I have now work in my industry, so we have a lot in common. But, what was I going to have in common with a bunch of people I had not seen or spoken to since our high school graduation 20 years ago? I met up with an old friend a few years ago. We connected through Classmates.com and thought it would be great to reconnect. What a disaster! This guy, who I dated in high school, was not what I expected. In high school, he was the team’s quarterback —buff, muscular and beautiful. I have to admit, I was expecting him to look just like he did in high school, with a few grays, maybe a little heavier. They man he had come to be was so very different, I literally walked right by him without recognizing him. When he called out to me, I turned and was stunned into silence. Anyone who knows me will admit what an impossible task this is. My quarterback had turned into a sloppy, unfit, chain-smoking divorcee. When he saw me, the first thing out of his mouth was, “Wow, after all these years, you look exactly the same.” Although most people would view this as a compliment, his tone implied otherwise. It was like he blamed me for maintaining my youthful appearance because I had too easy a life while his suffering and terrible experiences made him who he was. Actually, my life was no better or worse than most – I just am blessed to have great, youthful genes coursing through my family tree. From this day on, I decided not to reflect on the past, but keep moving forward.
The night before my reunion, I wrestled with the idea of attending. As I mentioned, I have changed very much, not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was not looking forward to the incessant questions about why I married so late in life or why I hadn’t had children yet. Whenever I mentioned my status, I always caught people looking at me a certain way—with pity in their eyes. There is nothing for anyone to pity—I made my choices in life fully knowing what the possible results would be. I chose a free Ivy League education over marrying at 18. I chose to build my career over starting a family in my 20s. Even now, in my late 30s, I am grateful for the decisions I made because they have truly brought me to a place of happiness.
I am now ready to settle down and have babies. It might be too late now and I am not sure if God will be able to bless me with children, but I know I would not have been a wonderful, selfless parent earlier in my life. I know I would have regretted the choices to have a family early on and even grown to resent them. All of this, I have kept bottled up for years for fear of being perceived as a monster. More important, I was afraid I was a monster because of the way I felt and hid it from myself. It is now that I reflect back on my life to take stock of my goals and progress that I can cut myself some slack. I am not a monster for not being ready to do the things that came so easily to my mother and many other great mothers out there. I am a better person for waiting to grow up and to be selfless enough to put my family and future children first – before my career, aspirations, etc. In my mind, you have to put your loved ones before you in order to be a successful parent. The only way to do this is to truly love yourself unconditionally. It took me 38 years to truly see and love myself, to drop my insecurities. I won’t say that I am totally there, but the journey has been worthwhile and fulfilling.
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Caridad Pellot is a corporate executive who just looks like she has it all together. In her blog, “Diary Of A Control Freak”, she lets us in on the lessons she’s learning along the way.
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