I have always prided myself on a strong work ethic, to a point where I had little else but work. My 20s were a blur— I barely remember anything besides my insatiable desire to achieve, move up the corporate ladder and make as much money as possible. My self-image and gauge for success were based on how big my paychecks were. Entering my 30s, I knew I had missed out on a lot of important milestones. For a career woman that was so focused on success and achieving her dreams, I lost sight of what was really important to me —having a family. I can try, the way most women in similar situations, to blame men for this. Mr. Right did not come along soon enough. I can blame the wrong men that perused through my life—they made me waste over a decade of precious time. But, in the end, it was my lack of proper prioritization and my low self-esteem that caused me to lose focus.
I had a great deal of baggage, stemming from my parents’ failed relationship all the way to hating the way I looked in the mirror. No matter what anyone said, I chose to identify with the small, insignificant, fat girl image that plagued me most of my life. I felt that the intelligent, vibrant, attractive woman that people saw me as was just a façade I crafted with the aid of smoke and mirrors and a charismatic personality. In my mind, I did not deserve to have good things happen in my life so I had to force them to occur. The only good things that happened were things I could control, like my career and generous paychecks. You can’t force Mr. Right to appear, ask you to marry him and have children together. Or, maybe I could, but I doubt he would be Mr. Right for more than a couple of years simply because he could not live up to those astronomical expectations I set for him. Actually, no one can and this has been a hard lesson to learn. I had an ideal of the perfect man for me, from the way he would look physically to his profession and undying love for me and our children. This caused me to overlook any man that did not fit the mold I cast for my potential partner. In retrospect, I know that my unrealistic expectations for myself as well as my future husband caused my unhappiness and hopelessness all those years.
Then one day, I opened my eyes and really saw the world and myself. I wish I could say I had an epiphany or that something really significant caused this life-changing event, but no, this was not the case. I just woke up and grew up, all in a matter of minutes. I decided what was important to me and how I was going to position myself to receive these gifts. I made the decision to cut myself some slack and see who I really was—a strong, intelligent, motivated, loving woman. Someone who deserves to love and be loved by her future children, family, friends and maybe even Mr. Right. Most important, I chose to love myself. Although clichéd, it is true— we will never truly have love in our lives if we do not learn to love ourselves. The simplest lesson is always the hardest one to learn. I won’t tell you that I have a perfect life or that there are not days when I revert back to my old self. Some habits are really hard to break. What I can tell you is that I am a work in progress and probably will be until my last days on this earth. But, each minute of my life, I am getting closer.
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Caridad Pellot is a corporate executive who just looks like she has it all together. In her blog, “Diary Of A Control Freak”, she lets us in on the lessons she’s learning along the way.
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