One of the most common questions I receive from men and women who’ve been in a relationship for a while and are considering marriage is: Should we live together before we get married?
The idea of living together before getting married seems to be growing more and more in popularity. Proponents of the idea list the numerous benefits to cohabitating – most of the time revolving around the theory that by living together before you get married, you get the opportunity to get a 360 degree view of your mate, thereby giving you the means to make an accurate assessment of whether or not this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
While I agree that you do know a person better after you’ve lived with them, I don’t particularly agree with the notion that your new found knowledge of that person is going to be helpful in making a decision on whether or not to marry that person. I know that sounds illogical, but stay with me.
Living with someone gives you a full 360 degree picture of who they are as a person. You see them when they go to sleep and when they wake up. Having that sort of access is bound to give you more insight into the idiosyncrasies of their character that you might not otherwise know. Maybe the person presents their self as neat, orderly and organized, but once you’re there 24/7, you realize that the only time they probably ever cleaned their house was when you were coming over. Maybe the person likes to talk about all the different books they’ve read – but when you actually spend a couple months living with them, you realize they spend way more time playing video games than reading. Maybe the person snores, maybe they clip their nails on the bed, maybe they leave their shoes all over the house, and maybe they never, ever, clean their bathroom. All this stuff you’re able to find out when you live together. So you and your other decide to move in together and after a little while – you realize that they fit the description above. What’s your recourse – break up and thank God you didn’t choose to spend the rest of your life with this person right? Wrong.
I know, it seems like, with all of the above potentially hidden from your view, living together before getting married would be an obvious choice for a couple looking to go all the way. I happen to disagree. The thing about living together before you get married is, when you’re living together and you’re not married, the stakes don’t seem as high. Relative to if you were a married couple, you have way less to lose if the relationship fails. Because of this, these minor individual traits become huge issues. They cause little fights and disagreements – those disagreements grow into arguments. In those arguments, the fact that you guys haven’t yet made the decision to be committed to one another for the rest of your lives will make both of you less likely budge and compromise. You’re like… “No, there’s nothing wrong with leaving a huge wad of hair in the corner of the bath tub”, and he’s like “No, there’s nothing wrong with leaving the dishes till tomorrow morning”. Simple disagreements like this cause huge blow-ups because no one feels the need to back down or change – especially not for someone who they might spend forever with. Chances are, you’ll both think the other is crazy and unreasonable and you’ll part ways before you ever make it down the isle – and you’ll be relieved about it.
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August 18th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Good post man. I agree also. When you live together before being married; you risk living like you are married. And you live like you are married before actually making the commitment you get into a laundry list of problems.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Sandra Kellog wrote about it lately but i think what you wrote is much better.
August 31st, 2008 at 10:56 am
I agree with this, shacking up is the easy way to keep yourself from being married. I simply just want to have something to look forward to, i guess its just like the saying goes why by the cow when you can get the milk for free, same rules apply don’t ya think?
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November 20th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I became a “try before you buy” kind of person after the divorce of my first marriage. My current husband and I have been married for 7 years, but have been together for 17. We dated for a year then moved in together. Both of us had been married and divorced, and both marriages involved no “shacking up”. But, what worked for us may not be for everyone. It depends on the two individuals and what they are comfortable with.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:11 am
Interesting perspective and I can totally see your logic to a certain extent. However, these types of things are never black and white or one size fits all. I think your assumption that once couples get married they are more likely to deal with and get past all the issues that come to light after the fact is not a guarantee. I think in most cases it really does depend on the issue and the people involved. Some things are just intolerable and are truly relationship killers.
At the same time, I do feel that if the love, respect, admiration and love making love is on point, then yes, I feel that those other little or big surprises will lose their importance over time. But if say one of the “issues” happens to be extremely important to that person and the other is not willing to change or make adjustments or simply can’t for whatever reason, then it will ruin the marriage sooner or later.
For me, twice married, with my first husband we did not live together before getting married and I had a totally different perception of him before we got married. turns out, the sweet guy that was fun and funny and good in bed and I considered him my best friend, and all of that, was totally crazy and ended up stalking me like Glen Close in that movie back in the day for over two years after our divorce. Our marriage lasted less than two years because his addition for strip clubs and becoming violent was not something that he showed me while we dated, and not something I could ever get over. And for me, having that piece of paper didn’t motivate me in any way to stick it out. After that FINALLY ended, I got into a six year relationship and we lived together for 5 of those six years and again, it went down the drain. And it went down the drain because after six years neither one of us was happy and again, he too, being 11 years older than I was, went through a midlife crisis and turned into a different person and took on habits that were intolerable regardless of the fact that he took great financial care of me and provided me with all the material things I could ever want. For me, respect, affection, and interest in similar things were much more important.
Then I swore to never ever get married again, I became a different person for like almost two years after that, vowing to just play the field and not get emotionally involved for fear of being hurt again or wasting my time, energy and love on a man that ultimately did not deserve it. But that was not to be my destiny; I sucked as a “player”, was incapable of just sleeping around for temporary sexual fulfillment and ended up meeting the one who would be my second husband. We’ve been together now for almost 8 years and married for 5, we lived together, had a baby and went through a considerable amount of drama in our first 3 years but we are, and were then the best of friends, we shared from the beginning the same beliefs, the same culture, and very similar life experience, and we’ve overcome many obstacles and evolved into a really good marriage and deeper friendship.
I don’t think living together was the reason the relationship survived but that we are just compatible and are meant to take this journey together. It’s really a trip because in our worst moments, I remember still seeing him in my life at the end of the day. I strongly felt this way even when he didn’t, and I gave him the time, space and freedom to choose me, and he did. Now, we have two beautiful daughters, hardly ever fight and compliment each other is so many ways, and at the end of the day I think that is really the only reason we survived all the drama that plagued our relationship in the first 3 years. And it was bad, trust me.
So I say this to say, it just depends on the two individuals. All the things that I really hated in the beginning are now things that I recognize are out of my control and all I can do is be who I am and treat him the way I want to be treated and keep moving forward. Once I figured that out and stopped trying to make him into what I perceived as the ideal or tolerable mate then things fell into place and he did (in his own time) become that person that fulfills me and compliments my life. So I say, do what you think is best for you because it will or won’t work, if it is or isn’t meant to be. What do you think married guy?
March 19th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Interesting and very good artivle. I was married and got the shock of my life when my wife turned out to be an emotional wreck, always arguing and shouting about God knows what. If I had lived with her I first, which I did not, I would have known more but to be truthful I ignored what I did see before the wedding. It’s like looking at a house, you see all the nice decor and lovely carpets and the sellers (if they read their selling tips books right) bake a nice plum loaf so when you walk round it all smells and looks great but then over in the corner on the wall there is a crack - well what’s a crack, actually it’s a sign that the foundations are weak. I think living together conditions you to more easily accept breaking up. It’s like rehearsing a divorce. The best way is to really make an effort to find out what someone is like before you marry them, then make the commitment to marry and see it through. Obviously there are limits. I found this free online book called Marriage is for Life not Death by this guy called martyn shenstone really helpful, its a bit religious but the basic premise makes sense. I have been partially living with someone for 8 years after my first marriage ended, I wanted to get remarried and apparently so did they but 8 years later she is still making excuses. I wish I had never fallen for it. The sad part is that she really loves me but just don’t seem to want to be married, consequently I spend 90% of my time on my own, it sucks and now it is as good as over. I’m a white boy but have just met a really nice black girl from Zimbabwe (hope that’s not the black equivalent of a Russian girl or something!) and boy am I not going to live with her at all before (if) we get married.