This week, I offer advice on dealing with family members who get pleasure from other people’s pain.
Dear Tia,

I have been divorced from my abusive ex-husband for several years. He doesn’t offer financial and emotional support for our children – and continues to verbally abuse me. My family is aware of his behavior. However, my sisters, who claim to dislike him, have invited my ex to a small family gathering without telling me. It is a yearly event and he has never been invited before. Given the abusive nature of the marriage and his behavior that followed, I thought it rude to invite him without telling me. When I asked who was invited, they did not tell me they had invited him. I found out just before the gathering from another relative. Throughout the gathering he was rude and followed me in a threatening way. My sisters have an odd sense of humor and apparently thought it a funny way to shock and upset me as they often say I am “so calm and collected.” My sister thinks that because the gathering is at her house, she can invite whomever she desires – despite my warranted concerns. I don’t plan to attend next year. However, I know my mother will want my children and I to attend. What should I do? – Can’t Shake it Off

Dear Can’t Shake it Off,

Seems like your ex isn’t the only one who’s emotionally abusive. It is obvious that your sisters are deriving pleasure – even if it is just a tidbit – from seeing you sweat. I suggest you have a chat with your sister who is hosting the event; don’t mince words, but don’t attack her. Let her know that you respect her authority and that is it her prerogative to invite whomever she pleases into her home; however she has to understand the consequences. She wouldn’t expect a stranger to attend an event with an estranged ex so why should you.

Let her know how much you value your relationship with her and that you need her support. In addition, remind her that she’s not just degrading and hurting you, the slight impacts her nieces and nephews. Tell her you plan on attending the event and you’d like to know whether your ex made the guest list. If she plans on inviting him tell her you will be unable to attend – and let her know you will leave if there’s another “surprise”.

If she tells you he won’t be there and he is, leave – and take the children (they don’t need to witness him harassing you or hear gossip if you depart and they stay). If the children are young there is no need to explain the details. You can tell them that respect is important and something disrespectful happened at the party, and since you’re a team you all had to leave. If any family members ask or instigate tell them the same thing; keep it short and sweet. Lastly, I suggest you ask your sister if there’s anything – besides the debacle – that she wants to get off her chest. It sounds like there may be something else festering.

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