This week I give tips to a young woman trying to distance herself from an abusive mother.
Dear Tia,
I have a horrible relationship with my mother, and time and time again she’s hurt me. Is it wrong for me to want to end all connections with her? She’s turned family members against me, has been physically and emotionally abusive. I’m currently in college and have been on the dean’s list the entire time, each time I come home I try to enjoy her company but by the end of the time I return to school with her belittling me. Every time I’m home, I’m put on lock-down like I’m 5 again. When will I earn respect from her, what will it take? When will what I’m doing be enough for her. I’ve been working since I was 14 years old to take care of myself, yet I’m called out of my name and called a brat. She has made me not want children because I’m afraid that I may put my children through the same stress and pain. My plans now are to transfer from my school to one that I could afford and to get my own apartment so that I can stop coming back to the same heartache and drama. I would love to have a parent to love me back, but I rather be around people who can grow to love me than to keep getting hurt by someone just because I’m related to him. – Too Much Mama Drama
Dear Too Much,
The great thing about being an adult is that you can call your own shots. I understand that this is hard to fathom, because she’ll always be your mother, but please read this carefully: Though you will always her child, you are no longer a child. When you were a child you were forced to live under your mother’s roof, listen to her tirades and be subjected to her abuse with little recourse. Now you commandeer your ship, your life. Is it ok to leave home and distance yourself from her? Yes. Does that mean you don’t love her? No.
You can’t control how your mother thinks, acts or says, but you can control how you react—and if you’re going to deal with it. Since you seem to be thriving in your current academic situation I suggest you try to remain in that school but find another place to stay during holidays and vacations. Maybe you can work at school and move from the dorm to an apt? Or look for summer opportunities that offer housing? Or hustle and stay with friends or other family members for a small fee?
I also suggest you be a good steward of your money, which means save more than you spend. This will ensure that you have freedom in the future even if you can’t make the moves you want now. Lastly, I implore you to look into getting counseling while at school (it is often free of charge) to help work through some of the issues living under such an abusive circumstance can create. Though things seem tough now you will not always be in this station. Believe in yourself. It’s time to make some moves and you have more than what it takes to do it!
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July 7th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Hi there!
This is my first time here and I didn’t know about this advice columnist! I am so glad to be able to check it out!!
Feel free to drop by my place anytime!
Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa
July 12th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I have been divorced from my abusive ex-husband for several years. He failed to provide financial and emotional support for our children and has continued to verbally abuse me. My family is aware that our relationship is strained. However, my sisters, who call him odd and do not like him, invited him to a small family gathering without telling me. It is a yearly event and he has never been invited before. Given the abusive nature of the marriage and his behavior that followed, I thought it rude to invite him without telling me. When I asked who was invited, they did not tell me they had invited him. I found out just before the gathering from another relative. Throughout the gathering he was rude and followed me in a threatening way. My sisters have an odd sense of humor and apparently thought it a funny way to shock and upset me as they often say I am “so calm and collected.” My sister thinks that because the gathering is at her house, she can invite even abusive ex-husband, etc. My plan is to not attend next year. However, I know my mother will want my children and me to attend. What should I do?
August 10th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Too Much Mama Drama, distancing yourself from an abusive parent is difficult but necessary and based upon what you have written I strongly suggest that you follow through.
I too went through a very similar situation, my mother abused me both physically and psychologically for the vast majority of my life. Three years ago I finally had enough and cut her out of my life entirely.
I am an only child and as such I took the full brunt of her abuse day in and day out for years. It was not until I reached age 30, had accomplished a number of things on my own such as putting myself through school, buying a house, and finding and maintaining a nurturing relationship that I realized I did not need to put up with, deal with, listen to, or subject myself to any of the crap my mother dished out.
Despite her best efforts of making me feel like a worthless human being I realized that she was wrong and in fact was projecting her own feelings of poor self worth upon me.
Believe me I tried for MANY years to turn the relationship into something better only to be kicked down time and time again. I realized my efforts were futile, in fact met with hostility and anger and as such I started to focus on ME. Trust me, this was difficult in fact I felt selfish but after so many years of torment and abuse folks like us have a right to be selfish.
I cut my mother out of my life because she is a master manipulator. I tried in the past to distance myself physically, i.e. move to another state, but still visited and spoke with her. What she did was make me feel guilty and in some cases lie to get my attention and as soon as she felt she had the upper hand she would revert back to her old ways. Because of this it was necessary to cut all ties with her, all ties.
What abusive parents do not expect is for their kids to finally say “enough” and shut them out. They believe that we should accept their abuse because they are our parents, but in reality with every belittling word and every smack to the face they push us away a little bit further.
My mothers actions over the many years made me emotionally numb, each time she abused me my ability to love and care for her dialed down another notch until it finally hit zero.
I suggest seeking counseling as this will help you come to terms with your own emotions which I suspect will include guilt if you distance yourself. Moreover, a counselor can arm you with tools to deal with your mother if you should decide to open your life back up to her. Most important, it will help you move on with your life.
You are on the right track! You are in college, you have a plan, you recognize what must be done. You did not let your mothers abuse keep you down and for this I congratulate you because I know how very hard it is but it does get easier and life gets better.