This week I gives tips on how to cope with splitting with an ex who is bad news—and what to do if you’re still in love with him.
Dear Tia,
I broke up with my husband and I can’t get over it. And I don’t know why? We were together for more than five years. During that time he repeatedly cheated on me – I’d even catch him with women he’d met on MySpace! He’d leave and would twist it around to make it seem like it was my fault and I’d end up begging him to come back.
We lost our 2-year-old son in April 2008 and while that was devastating I don’t think that’s the reason for our split. I’m stuck on nothing and I can’t move on. We recently had a daughter and he didn’t even show up to court to make sure he’d have his paternal rights. After all of that, seven months after the break-up I took him back. He seemed fine at first, taking our daughter and I out, then it all stopped. I texted him one day and he said “Lets just be friends for our baby. Pls stop talking about ‘us’ there is no ‘us’…”.
It hurt so bad, why did he get my hopes all up and leave again for another woman? I’m depressed and lonely. I think any man will leave me or cheat on me. I can’t even try moving on. – Longing for Love
Dear Longing for Love –
You were in a relationship that lacked reciprocity in every aspect that actually defines true love: appreciation, fidelity and most of all, respect. Lets face the fact that your ex-husband isn’t the one for you. It’s sad. It’s hurtful. It’s time to get over it.
How do you start? Love yourself. It may sound weird but start by using the same discipline you use to set standards for your daughter, apply it in your own life. If it’s not good enough for the princess, the queen definitely isn’t having it, right? Would you want her playing with kids who took her toys and bullied her her? Would you leave her with a sitter who let her sit in a soiled diaper all day? Would you want her to date a boy who spat in her face? The answer to all of these questions is no, but you’ve subjected yourself to a man who repeatedly does far worse to you. He disrespects you. He and abandons you…his children. He’s unfaithful.
Your season with your ex has passed – embrace it and the lessons you’ve learned. Explore your thoughts on standards in a relationship, how much to give, what you did wrong or right and how to love yourself. Every time you have a thought about how much you miss him, think about all the times he made you beg him to come back – after he cheated on you —or how much of a hassle it was to get him to be accountable financially for his own daughter or how he only wants to be with you when nothing else is going on— or his computer is down.
Better yet, how his behavior has put your life and health in danger because of unfaithfulness. I also suggest that you iron out visitation and support details in way that limits your contact with him. If he is inconsistent in any way take him to court so you don’t have to haggle him for money or time. This will limit your emotional involvement and his ability to manipulate your feelings for his personal gain. No love is worth humiliation and heartache. After a lot of tears and nose blowing it is time to celebrate. Be happy that he didn’t know what he had so he threw you away. One man’s trash is another’s treasure. But you have to be sure to treasure yourself first. Lastly, I must add that this issue is likely compounded by the loss of your son. I strongly urge you to seek grief counseling.
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